Football widows: How to survive football season if you hate football
By Aimee Heckel
They’re called football widows: women (or men, but unofficial studies based on no facts whatsoever find this ailment plagues significantly more women) who are basically only married half of the year. The other half — these brave, lonely soldiers forfeit their partner to a mistress that no wife has ever been able to compete with.
Men in tights.
You know you are a football widow if:
- You go to church only or notably more in the fall.
- You and your partner start fighting about three weeks into football season when you realize you have suddenly become a single mom of yet one more messy child, who eats a lot of queso and beer.
- As part of your wedding vows, your partner made you recite, “For better and worse, in football season and not.”
Here are some ways to survive football season if you hate football and find yourself alone:
1. Sign up for an exercise class, book club, moms group or art class that meets on Sundays.
Granted, no painting or sculpture class is going to last from about 11 a.m. until 11 p.m., and what reasonable human could sit in a chair and do the same thing for that long anyway (ahem, football, ahem)? But scheduling something that you want to do for yourself in the middle of the day can help break up the time and make you resent your partner’s unhealthy addiction a little less.
2. Rig the system so you benefit.
Does your partner also play Fantasy Football (making you a double football widow-orphan)? If so, “support” his ludicrous make-believe game by promising to not complain about his stinky draft party, or the $50 entry fee, as long as you get to buy a new dress with whatever money he wins.
Then bookmark this dress by Anthropologie and gaze at it longingly every time you want to poke out your partner’s eyes with the pointy end of a football, and whisper, “You shall be mine.” This champagne and strawberry-colored dress is about $138, which, last time we checked (last season) was just about the winnings of a normal Fake Football contest.
If your partner only scores second place (loser) and you need to save some money, no problem, the dress shall still be yours. Just check out Anthro’s online coupons and pair them with 3 percent Cash Back from ShopAtHome.com.
3. Conditional statements. Always conditional statements.
We’re not saying this is psychologically healthy (unless you spin it and call it a “compromise” — do that), but conditional statements can help ease resentment.
If you have a true football obsessor, that means he or she wastes an entire Sunday drooling at the TV. Now, obviously, it wouldn’t be acceptable for you to watch “Pretty Little Liars” for 12 hours straight in the basement and refuse to get up, urinate in a toilet or do any dishes, but somehow football makes this kind of slothy behavior acceptable. Now that we understand the serious hypocrisy and unjust, use it for bribery thusly:
“If you are going to sit down here and watch football for 12 hours, at least do the laundry during commercial breaks/fold this basket of towels/scrub this silver/rub my feet/all of the above.”
This is about protecting the sanctity of your marriage, folks, and if a little toe rubbing and silver-scrubbing will ward off bubbling resentment, really, it’s in the name of love. Do it for love.
And then go get that pedicure you secretly schedule every Sunday afternoon.
Read more articles about Anthropologie here.
Other articles you might also like: